Notes from the Foreskin, Vol.3

Man, the resemblance is uncanny..

The Bears make me laugh. Every day, it seems, some other example of questionable decision making within the franchise comes to fruition. Just like 30 is the new 20, the Bears are the new Vikings. Going all the way back to the Lance Briggs situation, this has been a pretty comical series of events. Let's see, in the past three weeks, Brian Urlacher is threatening to sit out mini camps and part of the season if he doesn't get a better contract. Cedric Benson decided to add some resisting arrest to his drunken boating on Lake Travis in Texas. They failed to address the quarterback position in the draft, indicating once more, to everyone's astonishment, that they are committed to Rex Grossman. That's a laundry list of troubles that only the Vikings and Bengals are capable of duplicating. But wait, we're not done.. The best is yet to come. In their refusal to pay studs like Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher, who have earned their just due, they have chosen to make their kicker, Robbie Gould, the highest paid kicker in NFL history, edging out Adam Vinatari of the Indianapolis Colts. Hmmm let's see, kicking immortality who has made 3 Super Bowl winning kicks and countless other playoff boots that, along with some clever camera placement, helped the New England Patriots win 3 out of 4 Super Bowls.. Or a 3rd year kicker who hasn't proven anything. As a Vikings fan, this makes me smile. Since appearing in the Super Bowl just two short years ago, the Bears have succeeded in becoming one of the worst teams in the NFL. Sure, they will win a few games this year, (5 by Neubiedamus' count) but that's only because their pissed off, underpaid (relatively) defense is good for 2 games and Devon Hester is will win the other 3 for them. This team was the 3rd worst rushing team in the league last year and their top running back is now in serious danger of being cut. The hits just keep on coming. But at least they have their kicker locked up long term... Move over Detriot. Chicago is here to take the "Worst and most idiotic franchise in the NFL title" from ya. You held the reigns long enough.





In another shocker of a news story, the NCAA is investigating whether or not O.J. Mayo took gifts, in the form of cash and vehicles, while in high school and in college at USC. If you could actually here my tone of voice you might sense just a wee bit of sarcasm directed at that last statement. The story goes like this. Some sleazeball talked a poor, super talented black kid into accepting all this money to verbally agree to a contract with a sports marketing agency when he chooses to go to the NBA. Sound familiar?? Does Reggie Bush ring a bell? Same idea. Same school even. I think the moral of the story is. If you want money, no matter the consequence, go to USC. It seems like their athletic department is either too blind to see what the rest of us understand as commonplace, or they are just being enablers to the situation. Either way, I have a strong inkling that the NCAA is gonna come down hard on USC to make an example. Can you smell that? That's the can of worms just being cracked open. Just what America needs, another OJ causing a ruckus in Southern California. (I know its a really bad joke, but it was coming at me like an 83 mph fastball down the heart of the plate)

As for OJ Mayo, I don't think I've wanted a soon to be professional athlete fail more than I do this guy. Since I first heard the story of him walking into USC coach Tim Floyd's office and recruiting himself to the school, I have wished for his demise. It only got worse on hearing about and seeing the tape of him throwing an alley-oop to himself towards the end of a 40 point State Championship Game blowout and then getting ejected from his final game for chucking the ball into the stands. This might even be tolerable, if not excusable, but then he walked around the court, hands held high, basking in the cascading cheers of the crowd like some Roman Gladiator just having defeated a wildebeest. Only this is a high school kid, and it just proves what kind of cocky, attention hogging idiot this guy really is. The sad thing is, he has sick basketball talent and that will land him in a high spot in the upcoming NBA draft and probably some endorsement deals with Sunny D and Hellman's.


A note to PETA: As much as you would like Horses to speak, feel, talk and act like humans, they are not humans. Mr. Ed was just a TV show.

As you have probably heard about by now, two weeks ago at the Kentucky Derby, the second place finisher, 8 Belles, broke both ankles in a post race trot and had to be euthanized on the spot. When word got around about the happenings, PETA got on the horn and started spewing blame at everyone. The jockey was to be fined and fired. The trainer was to be held responsible. The entire horse racing industry is immoral. Please.
This was a fluke accident that could have happened to any horse at any time in any place. In our society, we are so quick to want to assign blame for everything, because that's what makes news and that's what people seem to want. Its like if a kid holding a baseball bat in the batter's box gets struck by lightning, and people want to blame the coach, the parents, and the baseball bat company for not making a more lightning-friendly bat for the kid to hold. This is sickening and PETA needs to go away. These horses get treated better than a majority of human beings do and they need to stop taking one incident and extrapolating it for the entire horse racing and training industry. Just stick to dealing with some lady who has 400 cats in her 1 bedroom apartment or Michael Vick's ignant ass, and leave the rest of us alone.

On a side tangent, horse racing in general sucks and the only people who care about it are the 80 or so people that actually raise horses. And no, the millions of people who bet on the Kentucky Derby and other horse races don't count. Just don't inform my current employer that I just said that.



Lastly, I came across a story earlier that made me do a double take. Clay Buchholz, a young pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, who just got lit up by our favorite club only a few days ago, was put on the Disabled List with a broken fingernail. Yep, I said it. A broken fingernail. Now, I've heard of some really comical injuries over the years in major league baseball, like pitchers having tired arms or Sammy Sosa throwing out his back during a sneeze, but this is absolutely unbelievable. Words couldn't describe the laugh that came out of my mouth after seeing this roll across the ESPN Bottom Line. What's next? A Yankees pitcher goes down for 6 weeks with an allergic reaction to a tampon? Or maybe, the oft-injured Rich Harden's next injury could be cornea strain caused by make up run-off. I don't know what the next one will be for sure, but I just don't want anyone to tell Joe Mauer about this story, because then he might conjure up a reason to sit out night games after night games, instead of just day games after night games, like usual.

Notes from the Foreskin, Vol. 2

It was a bad week and a half for Carmelo Anthony.

First, he gets pulled over on suspicion of DUI two days before the playoffs start with his team clinging to their respective playoff lives. Then his team goes out and lays a complete egg against the Lakers, getting swept 4-0 in the first round of the Western Conference Playoffs, during which time, 'Melo accused his team of quitting during the fourth quarter of a Game 3 bludgeoning. As the "leader" of that team, he simply can't do that. He can curse at his teammates behind closed doors, and call them quitters all he wants in that format, but he cannot go public with those feelings. That is extremely unfair to his teammates because it now paints everyone on that team as "QUITTERS" in everyone's eyes around the league. Already many of his fellow teammates have come out in their own defense. People always want to compare Carmelo to his fellow draft mates in Dwade, Lebron, and even Chris Bosh, but he will never be in the same league as a player like Lebron or Dwayne Wade because he fails to do the things that leaders need to do. Lead by example, come up big, don't break the law, and don't under any circumstances, call out your teammates in the public.

*On a separate side note that I thought was worth noting, somehow we made it through this whole series without an expose` or even some off color jokes about Kobe Bryant having to stay in a hotel in Denver for two nights without getting into any trouble.. I was SO looking forward to that one. ESPN & TNT, you let me down..

While we are on the subject of bad days...or for that matter, bad years...

The hits just keep coming for Roger Clemens. Amid all the hoopla that arose over the last 6 months about him using all sorts of performance enhancing drugs throughout his career, you can now add an affair and possibly statutory rape to the list. You have to hand it to this guy, when he goes down, he really goes down hard. A report surfaced that Clemens had a decade long affair with country music star, Mindy McCready, which allegedly started when McCready was the ripe old age of 15. Clemens would have been 28 at the time. Now, I have always understood older men's attraction to "younger" women, but this is pretty messed up. How can you, at Roger Clemens' level, put yourself out on a limb like that? Facing the possibility of jail time if anyone had found out back then. (And make no mistake, they would have made an example out of him, had they found out) Now, since Roger couldn't follow the popular fad of actually admitting his mistakes and decided to file a defamation of character lawsuit, the skeletons in that closet are a walkin', me boy.. He not only has to worry about his place in baseball history and whether or not, even with astounding numbers, he will make the hall of fame, he will also now have to seriously worry about a perjury charge or two. We have never seen a fall from grace like this before that I am aware of. Maybe Mike Tyson comes to mind, but he's quickly pushed aside because hes just bleepin' crazy. This story has some teeth and there's a lot more to come. So stay tuned. If you were wondering, here's what McCready has to offer at the moment. At a boy, Rog..




In yet another bad week story....
The Washington Wizards are officially the dumbest team in professional sports.
They have talent; alot of it. But what they do have in talent, they are equally as idiotic and immature as I've seen in a collection of players in a long, long time. Pick your Wizard, and I'm sure they have suffered from foot in mouth syndrome at some point either before or during this playoff series with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Gilbert Arenas said the Cavaliers couldn't possibly beat them three straight years in the playoffs and that they were hoping to face them in the 1st round. Deshawn Stevenson called Lebron overrated, and continues to talk shit and dish out flagrant fouls. Brendan Haywood can't shut up either, recently mocking King James in a whiny, pouty, child's tone of voice. And what did they get for their troubles? A 3-1 deficit in a series marked by extreme inconsistency that saw them lose by 36 one game and win by 30 + the very next. That reeks of immaturity. I have an idea.. Don't wake a sleeping giant! Lebron is scary good normally. You give him a chip on his shoulder and now you really have problems. Deshawn Stevenson, along with his 38% shooting, and the rest of the Wizards need to shut their mouths, take their whoopin', and go quietly into the night. Just like the last two years.

I have diarrhea of the mind right now. I'm spewing with talkers, so I must go on.

Larry Brown just got another coaching job. I'm lost for words. I'm flabbergasted. How do teams keep hiring this clown? Owners in the NBA must not like money. Here's the MO with Larry Brown: Sign a four year deal worth roughly 10 million dollars. Coach two years. Get sick/tired/bored. Get a buyout and the remaining $5 Million dollars for doing nothing. That's not an exaggeration. That's just how it is. He doesn't play young players and rookies, which Charlotte always has a lot of. It's sad, because I feel this is the last attempt by Charlotte Bobcats minority owner, Michael Jordan, to prove that he is a good NBA executive. I really hate to say it, but Mike got taken on this one.

Just one more, I promise..




This was kind of a late addition to the column tonight. I just watched the Spurs finish off the Suns in 5 games in their first round series. My disdain for the Spurs has reached a new level. They have now officially supplanted the Utah Jazz of the mid to late 90's in terms of my pure hatred for them. They are good. It's really hard to admit, but I will give them that. But what I can't stand to watch is the amount of bad calls that go their way. Down the stretch tonight, in an extremely close game, the referees called not one, but two phantom tripping calls. One involved the Big Gerbil, Tim Duncan blatantly tripping himself to get a foul called, and Mr. Eva Longoria driving the lane and falling down on his own accord, much to the sch grin of Amare Stoudamire, on whom the foul was called. This team never fails me. Every year something different arises that ratchets up my level of hate for this team. Its amazing. Whether its Tim Duncan hitting a random three to send Game One into overtime, which of course Phoenix lost, or whether its consistently making me watch games ending 82-81. I was a big New Orleans Hornets fan before, but with the Spurs now taking on the Hornets in the second round, I will be rooting for them like I've never rooted for anyone else before. Tonight, I am going to try to conjure up dreams of Tyson Chandler catching a trademark alley-opp lob from Chris Paul, and dunking on Tim Duncan's ass. Okay, not really... But please don't let me down New Orleans. Then I will have to turn my rooting interest to the Lakers, and that's just adding insult to injury.



This just in... Tim Duncan likes dudes.

I'm out.

Things that Don't Suck... Volume 1

Its that time again. With all the talk(and rightfully so) about the NCAA Tournament and all the excitement and intriguing story lines it brings us every year, one might not realize that the NBA playoffs are on the horizon. Now, usually this would bring a yawn to most of you, and it would usually have the same effect on me as well. Usually, no matter how much we all don't want it to happen, San Antonio meets some boring overmatched Eastern Conference team in the Finals and we all know how that ends up. This year, however is much different. I haven't been this excited to watch the NBA playoffs since Number 23 was breaking Byron Russell's ankles in Salt Lake. In case you have lived under a rock these last couple months, you have probably heard that the Western Conference is the most competitive it has ever been. How the Top 8 seeds can be so good and separated by 6 games this late in the season is something to behold. Seeds routinely change every day, preventing us from really knowing who's playing who in the first round up until probably the last day of the season. The East is better too, but other than the top three teams, Boston, Detriot, and Cleveland, it will be irrelevant once the playoffs start. Since its impossible to know match ups yet, I felt that I would just take time breaking down some of the goings on in the West. All the excitement really started after the All Star Break, when a bevy of monster trades happened. First it was Pau Gasol going to the Lakers, then Shaq to the Suns, and finally Jason Kidd to the Mavericks. Usually you see one big trade every year around that time, but not three and especially not three with such big implications. After that, the Yao-Less Rockets went on an unbelievable 22 game winning streak to vault from out of the playoffs to the #1 seed. And now, with about three weeks left before the playoffs begin, the unlikely of unlikely has happened as now the New Orleans Hornets, fresh off a five game winning streak which included the likes of Houston, Boston, and on the road at Cleveland and an improving Indiana Pacer team, sit atop the West Standings. If anyone says they called that one when the season began, they lie worse than Pete Rose does.

The New Orleans Hornets
The feel good story of the NBA. A team that seemingly went from homeless to one of the most exciting teams in the NBA overnight. It all started when Chris Paul fell into their laps with the fourth pick in the 2005 draft. There were two "can't miss" point guards in that draft, Deron Williams and Chris Paul. How BOTH of these two got pass Point Guard-less Atlanta at the Number 2 pick boggles my mind. I guess that's why the Hawks are the Hawks. They are getting better now, but think of a combination of Chris Paul, Joe Johnson, and Josh Smith.. Eek.
But alas, the Hornets got a gift handed to them, and haven't looked back since. Building around Paul, and combining David West with new arrivals Tyson Chandler and a fresh off back surgery Peja Stojakovic, they created a young nucleus that has blossomed into one of the more exciting teams in the league. The can beat you any way you like it: Fast breaking, drive and kick, or pick and roll. Not a lot of people remember that David West was the AP player of the year at Xavier in 2003. How he fell to the 18th pick in that years draft is yet another mystery. I think it was a case of NBA teams being on a Euro Craze and not noticing that hey, there are still good players left in this country. West took a couple years to become the player he is now, but like everyone else on this team, is coming of age at the right time. I get the pleasure of seeing these Hornets at the Target Center in a couple weeks, so I will get to see in person what I think that I already know... This team is for real and any team sleeping on them will be met with an early exit.


Golden State Warriors /Denver Nuggets

I chose to group these two teams together because they are essentially the same team. They both have sometimes amazing offenses, capable of running you off the court. They both, however, have atrocious defenses, which usually spells disaster for teams in the playoffs. The Warriors have been one of my favorite teams since last year when they made their run at the end of the regular season and into the Western playoffs. Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows thats no secret. But what has changed this year is that they are better than last years team. The roster has changed that much, if at all(minus the failed Chris Webber experiment) but what has changed is that they are a year older and a year better. Last year, Monta Ellis barely had a place in the playoff rotation. This year, there's times that he literally doesn't seem to miss, and his place on the team is no longer in question. Baron Davis has been the healthiest he has ever been in his career in being one of the most valuable players in the league. Everyone on this team can shoot, excluding Andris Beidrens, who doesn't need to. They come at you with numerous three point bombs and they throw athlete after athlete at you. That can be a scary combination when used the right way. This coupled with the fact that they have the best homecourt advantage in the league. Not the best record, but the best advantage. If you have seen that place, you know its the loudest arena in the league. If I can make that conclusion from watching a game on TV, how do you think it feels to be an opponent there?

The Nuggets have more of a collection of superstar players, but its the same story. When they are on, they are really on. I don't know if enough was made of them scoring 168 points a couple weeks back against the Sonics. This wasn't some crazy triple overtime game. It was a regular 4 quarter tilt. They scored 48 points in the first quarter! That's more than about 85% of the league averages in a half. They can score from many different ways also. Any team with Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson better be able to score. They can hit the three too, which can be a great equalizer. Their major drawback, however, is their wretched defense. In that same game against the Sonics, they gave up 116 points. To the Sonics! They had a stretch in which they gave up 135 points to the offensively-inept Chicago Bulls and 136 to the slow-it-down, half court Detroit Pistons. They may get to the playoffs, but because they just can't stop anybody ever, they will be an early exit.

Utah Jazz

This isn't your older brother's Utah Jazz. This team is actually fun to watch at times. This coming from a guy who grew up loathing the site of the Jazz and Jerry Sloan. This team doesn't have boring John Stockton leading the way. Instead, they have Deron Williams, who's quickly becoming one of the best points in the league. Boring Karl Malone is replaced with Carlos Boozer, who, say what you will about him, has become a pretty damn good player. You throw in role players, Ronnie Brewer, Mhemet Okur, Andrei Kirilenko, and sharp shooter Kyle Korver, and they are going to be a tough out, especially at home where they hold one of the league's best records.


The Rest

I figure you probably know mostly about the Other Western Conference contenders. The Suns are still really good, and that Shaq-Fu thing seems to be working out alot better than most people thought it would. The Mavericks might not even make the playoffs now without Galloping German, Dirk Nowitzki, who is out for the next couple weeks with a nasty ankle/knee injury. The Lakers can beat anybody if they would just stay healthy for an extended period of time. Oh yeah, and they have that Kobe guy, which is always nice too. It was a nice run for Houston, and we're happy for 'em, but they aren't going anywhere. And the Spurs are the Spurs and nobody cares.

I'm really glad that TNT has wall to wall coverage of this season's playoffs because I will be tuning in for as much as I can take. And while the NCAA tournament will give us plenty to talk about over the next couple weeks, don't forget about the millionaires. With all these great teams and possibly great scenarios, the NBA could have it's own "one shining moment" before its all said and done. Lord knows they have needed one.

So you think your job is pretty sweet, do ya??

It may just be. But, by no means, is it the best job out there.

When I was growing up, I idolized many different people. Michael Jordan, Tupac Shakur, Hugh Hefner, even Deion Sanders. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I could be like them, I could win at this game called life. I could accomplish anything. The sky was the limit for this guy.

Sadly, I had it all wrong. I was grossly mistaken every time I drove the basket with my tongue wagging like MJ and everytime I had my football gloves unbuckled like "Neon Deion" hoping to intercept an arrant pass and high step it into the promised land. The entire time I should have spent my hours and hours of practice trying to be a 6'10" white guy who wears goofy ass knee high socks. Instead of dreaming of playing college ball in Chapel Hill or Tallahassee, I should have been aiming at undergrad in Utah. I should have been aspiring to be Keith Van Horn. I know this now, because as we have just learned, he is officially "The Man."

Today, it became official(FINALLY!), and the New Jersey Nets and Dallas Mavericks completed the long rumored deal that basically sent Jason Kidd to Dallas for Dallas' entire bench, two first round picks, 3 million dollars, and the aforementioned Keith Van Horn. Now you may be saying to yourself, how can Dallas trade Keith Van Horn? Didn't he retire or die or something?? Isn't he tending to some sheep somewhere? You would be like me if you did. Here's where the good part comes in. Since Van Horn hasn't officially filed his retirement papers with the league, and since he is still under contract with an NBA team, he can still be including in trades such as these. Was this savvy on the part of Van Horn? Maybe. Wouldn't surprise me. The guy is the Man after all. Either way, it pretty much breaks down to be that Van Horn will get 4.3 Million dollars to get off his couch, travel to New Jersey to take a physical, and then probably travel back home. Even if he stays with the team, he will only have to bear that great hardship for a month, and then he can proceed to laugh his way to the bank, after a buyout from New Jersey. 4.3 Million dollars for a month's worth of what? Not work. Not even play. Just to be. To be Keith Van Horn.

So like I said earlier, Keith Van Horn is my idol. He has the best job in the history of jobs. Sure, the guy who paints the silicon paint on those swimsuit models bodies has it pretty damn good. But not as good as this guy. This is whats wrong with the NBA though. Bloated, guaranteed contracts to players who suck ass or, in this case, players who haven't played in a couple years. If you don't believe me, look at some of the contracts on the books for this year....

Michael Finley-6th man/Three Point Specialist/25 minutes a night- $21 Million per year
Chris Webber- half season pickup/25 minute a night bit player- $19.5 Million per year
Steve Francis- Oft injured/ Might Retire/ Whiny bitch- $16.4 Million per

And these are just a few. Those don't even include Allen Houston,(20.7 million) Brian Grant,(17.3 Million) and Jalen Rose (16.5 Million) who were getting paid up until last year despite not playing for a couple years or just sitting their asses on the bench in high priced suits. Allen Houston was making 20.7 million dollars a year from the Knicks while being an analyst on ESPN... Sad.

I'm sure Shawn Kemp is still getting his 19 mill a year from the Portland Trail Blazers. Which is good for his sake with all those damn ill-legitimate kids running around. And I'm cool with that too, because someone keeps paying for my schooling, and I think it's Shawn Kemp.



So what now for Van Horn? Will he actually suit up for a game or two? I would kinda like to see him get bitched again by Marcus Camby, like he is in this picture. But then again, New Jersey is clearly building for the future and no where in that thought process is Keith Van Horn even mentioned. He will probably go back to what he was doing before, but this time with a lot more money.

I think the real question that presents itself to me now is.. What steps do I take from here? Is there a Keith Van Horn major? Do I have to do an internship helping Keith tend sheep? I gotta get on that shit. I have to figure out how to live by the mantra, WWKVHD?

This Kid Looks Hungry

Seriously, someone get Corey Brewer a sandwich. I haven't been watching many Timberwolves' games this season, with good reason, but I tuned in recently. It blew my damn mind when I took a closer look at Mr. Brewer. This guy looks like a recovering crackhead. I mean no disrespect, as I'm sure he's a very nice fella, but he's 6'9" and 185 pounds. Someone that size should be about about 220-230. He makes a certain "Bez" look like a steroid-poppin' meathead.

Anyways, that random thought was not why I chose to come out of hiding and post.

It was Rick Pitino that said it best.. "All the negativity in this town sucks."
I think in some weird way, he was talking about the Twin-Cities. This has been a record year for suckage in Minnesota. We just had a nice little capper the other day with the worst trade I've ever seen... Ever. I'm referring to the Johan Santana trade of course. Anyone who tries to spin this in the Twins favor is completely nuts. The best pitcher in Major League Baseball for a bunch of "B" players and 3rd or 4th starters is the kind of stuff that should make a Twins' fan so god-damn angry. The hits just keep on coming for Minnesota sports fans. But I ask, when will it end? This negative trend needs to stop. It's making it really hard to be a fan. I think it was more just talk the last time I said this, but with every passing day it gets more and more real. I'm seriously going to start looking for other teams to root for if this keeps up. Some prospects could be the New Orleans Hornets, Golden State Warriors, Colorado Rockies, or maybe the Philadelphia Phillies. I will defect to the highest bidder.





In the ounce of positivity that I have left for the Minnesota clubs, I look to whats happening down at 600 First Avenue. It looks like we have actually have a player in Al Jefferson. I used to think that his nickname, "Big Al" was a bit premature, with him having proved nothing yet. Now, he's starting to live up to it by playing Big and holding his own against the League's best big men. Amare Stoudamire got "his" against the Wolves, (and trust me, he got plenty) but Jefferson got even more and had, arguably, the most dominant game in Wolves history with a 41 point, 19 Rebound explosion which went a long way in helping the Wolves beat Phoenix for the second time in three games. Then he proceeded to make Ben Wallace and some fool named Noah look like his charlie biatchs in back to backs against the Chicago Bulls the last couple days, while totaling 46 points and 32 rebounds in the two games. I was among the many who were very skeptical about Al (We got a good vibe) when he came via the Garnett trade this summer, but he's starting to make me a believer over the past couple weeks. Along with being the reigning Western Conference Player of the Week, he should also be representing the Timberwolves in the All-Star Game. He wont even sniff the game though because he currently ranks behind the likes of Luis Scola of the Rockets, Shane Battier, again of the Rockets, and Mehmet Okur from the Utah Jazz at the Forward and Center positions. Man, I sure am glad they let Asia vote for the NBA All-Stars... That's working out swimmingly. That said though, I think hes on the right path, and maybe it wont happen for a couple years but I think he will get his due if he keeps this tear up. If he wants to fast track that recognition, he could maybe think about working on a face up game and 17-18 foot jumpers. He would be pretty scary if he mastered one, or both of those. Keep this up, big fella, and I promise we will trade you to someone who actually wants you to play for their team. Your time will come. That's a certainty.

The Wolves still suck something awful, but I'm doing my best to cling to the shred of light that still exists with them. I do have one request though... Please start losing again! You were doing such a good job of it earlier in the year, but now are being lapped in ineptitude by the Miamis and Seattles of the world. Keep this up and you watch, you'll end up getting screwed by the NBA again in the draft.(circa 1992)

In closing, you know that things have gotten bad in Minnesota sports when the people at "Some People's Kids" turn our collective back's on your ass. We are about as homer as it gets.

The Love We Lost... Part Deux

Well, It looks like another Minnesota Star is leaving our sky. (Wow, that was cheesy)

It seems as if a deal for 2 time Cy Young Award Winner, Johan Santana, is now imminent. Multiple reports have surfaced in the last week and a half saying that the Twins and new GM Bill Smith are actively shopping the best pitcher in the game. The Yankees and Red Sox are at the forefront with the Dodgers, Angels, and Mariners said to be very interested as well. The deal now seems to be more not "if", but when at this point.

Boy, that sure happened fast...

Only a few short months ago, the sheer thought of trading Santana was blasphemy to any Twins fan and even the organization. But since then, Baseball's little devil child, known as free agency, has reared its ugly head once again, and now Johan has figured, why not me? Why not give me 150 million dollars? Hell, Barry Zito is mediocre and got 126 mill. And who could blame him? In this market, he is worth that much money.. The key words being "this market." Salaries have been ballooning out of control for years now, and it has finally bit your favorite squad in the ass not once, but twice in the span of a month. Mr. Twin, Torii Hunter was the first to go and now this. I have an idea. Why don't we eliminate all the teams not named Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Mets, and Cubs, and just let them go at it. Thats basically what Major League Baseball is leaning towards. Boston got our Ortiz, the Angels got our Hunter, and now the Yankees or Red Sox will now probably get our Venezuelan Sensation. If you are a Twins fan, don't ever go out and buy a Twins Jersey of your favorite player or get attached to another player again, because chances are, they wont be here long enough for you to get your use of out it.

Now, I know that last blurb sounded very negative... And lets be honest, it was. But there also are some very nice positives to the apparent Twins overhaul this year. I think Bill Smith has figured out something that Terry Ryan just couldn't come to grasp over the years. The nature of the beast as it stands now is that before you lose these players for absolutely nothing to free agency, trade them before it gets to that point and get some young studs in return. We screwed the pooch on the Torii Hunter situation last season when we could have eased the blow by getting some great talent in return, possibly from the Angels, who signed him this offseason. This Johan deal, whether it turns out to be the Yanks or the Sawwx, will yield a great return of up and comers.

The Yanks are said to be offering a combination of prized right handed pitching prospect Phillip Hughes, Defensive Center Fielder extraordinaire Melky Cabrera, and some other minor league prospects. Hughes is going to be a stud that could anchor our rotation for years, and Cabrera is already a great fielder and has a high ceiling as a hitter. It would be nice if we could somehow finagle another right handed pitcher, Ian Kennedy from them as well, but that doesn't look like its going to happen.
The Red Sox are looking to obtain Santana as well. If they suceed, they might have assembled the best pitching staff ever, especially if they can keep Jon Lester in the process. I don't say that lightly either. I know you can't give someone the World Series in the offseason, but you add the best pitcher in the majors to the best pitching staff in the league, and they are as close to as you are going to get. The main cogs of the Red Sox offer are Jacoby Ellsbury and Lester, with the Red Sox currently only willing to include one of the two. The other bits that were offered include Coco Crisp and a bunch of supposedly good minor leaguers that no one has really heard of. Ellsbury is a stud. I don't think there is any doubt about that. He's got speed and gap power and in the MetroDome, thats a great thing. He reminds me of Grady Sizemore. Maybe even as dreamy.. Jon Lester scares me a bit. Even with as good a prospect as he might be, the whole cancer thing last year makes me wonder about possible health risks. I admit, that might seem insensitive, considering the ordeal that he went through last year, but I think that its a valid concern when you are thinking about the future of a franchise.

IF it were up to me, I go for the Yankees offer. Although Ellsbury would be nice, the Yankees are giving you the Center fielder that you need and the elite prospect that you need to get back in return for Johan.





After the Twins trade Santana, the last person to go will be Joe Nathan, and thats perfectly fine by me. That will make this process complete. For those of you that think that the cupboard is bare after this offseason, you are mistaken. Our pitching staff is somewhat in flux, but could be very good in about two years. With Fransico Liriano coming back, added to Hughes, Baker, Slowey, and hopefully a slimmed down Boof, this is a rotation I willing to run with. With Neshek moving into the Closer's role, our bullpen might be a little thin, but thats always seemed to be a strength for the Twins. We have actually upgraded the lineup to include possible Star Delmon Young, Cabrera, and Craig Monroe to go with a decent lineup already. There are some question marks with this team, but before anyone jumps off a bridge,(ok, wrong choice of words) they hopefully will take a step back and look at the big picture. These young players, along with the money saved, could help give us some hope for the future. This is something that Twins fans are desperately yearning for after a very curious offseason so far.

I think we deserve that much.

Notes From the Foreskin

Sundays during football season are some of the best days of the year. These are days that men can usually take a "mental break" from the other things that may otherwise cloud their mind. Women, Jobs, Kids, Hemorrhoids, Women, etc...

I never really get to enjoy these "breaks" like I would like to because I usually work every Sunday during the day. This Sunday was an exception. I caught much of the noon games at a casino in Southern Iowa and caught most of the other action on a beautiful invention known as Sirius Satellite Radio. I took a couple things from this weekend(and Monday....and Thursday)....

We'll start with something that happened late Sunday night. Word came out late that Sean Taylor, safety for the Washington Redskins, was shot in his home in Florida. As I write this, Taylor is still in critical condition and the doctors are telling people to "pray for a miracle." Never a good thing. In the initial report, Taylor was awoken late Sunday when he heard noises downstairs. He got up and grabbed a machete that he keeps near his bed for protection. He was fired at twice, with one bullet connecting. Now, I don't know about you but I gotta respect a man who wields a machete for protection. Whether you like Sean Taylor or not, this is pretty sad news. Drafted out of "The U" in 2004, Taylor had become one of the NFL's premier talents and one of it's hardest hitters. Along with rookie Laron Landry, Taylor helped form the best safety tandem in the league. I won't lie and say that I've watched a great deal of his games, but from the games that I have seen, I've noticed that viewers are only a minute away from seeing a vicious, and yes, sometimes somewhat illegal hit that can bring people to their feet. He would hit you like you stole something... Literally. He was involved in a incident last year in which he was accused of pistol whipping a guy who was thought to have stolen Taylor's all-terrain vehicles.
Anyways, I hope for his sake, as well as his family's, that he makes it through this.

The Vikings game was odd in many ways. First was Tavaris Jackson tossing a 60 yard touchdown pass on the second play of the game. Yes, I said Tavaris Jackson. Second was Eli Manning throwing 4 interceptions to one of the worst pass defenses in the game. Third was that almost every pass the Vikings picked off they proceeded to bring back for a score of their own. The Vikings are the hardest team to figure out. Their play varies so much from week to week. One week they look like they can't do anything and the next week they are breaking all sorts of records. I really think this team is a quarterback away from being pretty damn good.

The rest of the league was screwed up as well. This was the week of the backup running back. Chester Taylor did his thing again, but he was also joined this week by a couple back ups and third string guys. Names like Andre Hall, Justin Fargas, Kolby Smith, and Adrian Peterson(no, not that one) combined to rush for about 440 yards and 5 touchdowns. If you haven't heard of these guys before, you aren't alone. Look for another no name to have a decent week this week. Cecil Sapp is the 5th string running back who might start for the Denver Broncos, who take on the Oakland Raiders and their horrid run defense.

Thanksgiving Day brought us a trio of boring games. The Cowboys and Packers both rolled to victories, setting up a Thursday night showdown this week that will probably determine home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. This is especially important considering that Green Bay in January is not fun weather to play in. Lets hope this game lives up to the hype that the Colts-Patriots game failed to.

Did anyone see that the Eagles were 24.5 point underdogs to the Patriots on Sunday night?? That is the biggest spread ever for an NFL game. I happened to not see it beforehand, but if I did, I would have put my left nut on the line that the Eagles would cover that spread. The Eagles are bad, but not even close to that bad. I'm sure they felt disrespected and overlooked and for that reason they gave the Pats the best game they will probably get all season. NO team deserves to be more than a 17 point underdog in any NFL game. Even the 0-11 Dolphins...

Speaking of the Dolphins. The Monday Night Game brought us another lovely matchup with the Steelers and the aforementioned winless Miami Dolphins. This is now the 4th straight horrible game that the folks at MNF have shown us. And you can't count the Pats scoring 56 points against a really over matched Bills team. This weeks game was the lowest scoring game in the NFL this year, as the Steelers won a WILD one 3-0. It was scoreless until the last 20 seconds. This wasn't your hard hitting defensive struggle 3-0 game that could be fun to watch. It was a sloppy mess of bad play and even worse play. One sequence stuck out from the game. The Dolphins were driving late in the 3rd quarter and lined up for a field goal. A delay of game penalty backed them up 5 yards. Now instead of taking another crack at a field goal which would have possibly put his winless team in position to finally win, Dolphins coach Cam Cameron decided to let his rookie quarterback, in his second start ever, try to convert a 4th and 11 when the team hadn't done anything right all night long. The ensuing play resulted in a breakdown by the line and a sack. Good call, bud. Thats why your team is 0-11. Almost as good a decision as drafting Ted Ginn Jr.

This week was another zany one in the NFL. I'm starting to think that the Patriots are the only sure thing and that anything goes for the rest of the league. Stay Tuned..

No Wonder Steve Phillips Doesn't Have a Job Anymore..

Who is this broad? I haven't the slightest clue, but let me tell ya, it wouldn't be the worst mistake Steve Phillips has made. It is pretty bad, mind you, but even ugly chicks need love too. Cheer up, Steve... You can always turn off the lights.

Now, I watch Sportscenter quite a bit. Probably too much actually. In watching Sportscenter over the past couple years, I have seen numerous baseball segments involving "Expert" Steve Phillips, former GM of the New York Mets and current baseball analyst for ESPN. To date, I don't think that one of his predictions, or one bit of advice for other clubs has come to fruition. In trying to sift through the numerous World Series predictions gone wrong to all the brutal trade scenarios, I could never really recall a certain incident that stuck out in my mind though... until tonight.

Sportscenter was showing a story on the new manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, Joe Torre. Afterwards, they tried to chronicle how the mediocre Dodgers could become contenders in the National League next year. Of course, they went to the Guru Phillips. In really breaking down the situation, Phillips went on to state that all the Dodgers needed to do was to target three positions. Third base, Centerfield, and improve Starting Pitching. Seems simple enough. Sounds like what 90% of baseball needs to do. Then, he went on to say that the Dodgers need to get either Miguel Cabrera or Alex Rodriguez to fill the 3rd base slot, Andrew Jones or Torii Hunter to fill Center field, and then trade for the best pitcher in baseball in Johan Santana to cure the starting pitching. That would make the Dodgers World Series contenders. Thanks Steve. How about we get a donkey, a goat, a 17 year old prostitute, and a one armed midget to go along with it..

This guy is an "Expert?!?" That was one of the stupidest things I have ever heard aired on live television. Even Kenny Mayne poked fun at his fellow colleague afterwards, saying, "That's Steve employing the unlimited payroll rule."

At first I am floored, but then after a quick search to find some out some other things about Mr. Phillips, the situation makes more sense to me. This is the same guy that has traded away the likes of AJ Burnett and Jason Isringhausen, and probably had something to do with the Victor Zambrano for Scott Kazmir trade to Tampa Bay. I also found out that he was trying to trade a couple "Single A" players for the likes of Jose Cruz Jr. and an over-the-hill Roberto Alomar. Those two "A" players? A couple of guys you might know. Jose Reyes and David Wright. This guy is an idiot and needs to removed from television, STAT. I don't really know what that means, but I think it means "fast." I don't know how he got the Mets GM job way back when, and frankly, I don't care, but what I do know now is why he doesn't have the job anymore.

ESPN does its best to annoy everyone watching by constantly beating stories into submission and concentrating about 80 % of their airtime on about 6 professional teams. I can handle all that. I've learned to deal with it. But please, get this clown off the screen.

I can't afford to get any dumber...

Things that Suck

In honor of Bez's Michael Jordanesk return to the Blog, I have come up with a couple things, not that make me happy, but that really make me upset. Not in a "throw things against the wall" way, but in a "shake my head in your general direction" type of way. Here goes...





Kids on Leashes

Whoever came up with this has got to be the dumbest Mo Fo out there. I'm aware that these have been around a while, but I saw them for the first time this summer at the Minnesota State Fair. I tell ya, it blew my damn mind.. Listen, for all those who are confused, Kids are not Animals! Is it that hard for your lazy ass to walk hand and hand with your child. If you can't pay enough attention to them to keep an eye on them, don't bring them with. Its that simple. Having your kid on a leash since birth is the stuff Mental Hospitals are made of. These are probably the kids that are gonna grow up and pull a Columbine on us. Do the rest of us a favor and stop being an idiot.


Stewart Scott's "Spoken Word" Poetry on Sportscenter

Last night on Sportscenter, Stew broke down the Celtics-Timberwolves highlight by doing a very poor impression of Mos Def or Maya Angelo. I tried to follow some of it, but then, when it didn't rhyme or sound good, it lost me. I know SC is trying to mix things up and not give us the same show every night, and thats all well and good, but please put a stop to this madness. We get it, Stew's black. You don't have to do your best to remind us every night. I want to hear the sports and see the highlights. You have done an excellent job for almost 30 years. Just keep it simple, stupid. I'll take your "Bou-Ya"s and "Cool as the other side of the pillow" lines, and I'm not standing for anymore of this..


MLB Free Agency

This is further proof why the Twins will always be mediocre. There's no stopping it. When you hear that Carlos Silva and Kyle Louse are going to be commanding big contracts this year, the world has officially ended. The free agent market keeps getting crazier and crazier, and when our favorite club refuses to catch up with the times, it seals its own fate. I read somewhere that if ARod opts out of his contract, his agent, Scott Boras, hopes to command somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 million for his next contract. At first, it blew my mind, but then I realized, this is what we have come to. When does it stop? Teams can build all they want through the minor leagues, but its only short lived. When their young studs hit free agency, its over, because only a few clubs out there can afford them, or are willing to spend the money to keep them. Parity is what makes the NFL so great. Free Agency in Major league Baseball with no Salary Cap will make damn sure that "parity" isn't ever even mentioned in the same sentence.


NFL "Timeout Rule"

It was clever the first time someone did it. It was crafty the next time someone did it. Now, its become downright bad for the game. You know the rule, team lines up for Field Goal. Right before the snap, other team calls a timeout at the very second before the team gets the play off, effectively ruining what might be a game-winning, tear jerking moment. Its happened to the Raiders, the Browns, the Auburn Tigers, and this past Monday night to the Dallas Cowboys. Sometimes it works out the same way, as the team still makes the kick. But other times, the team misses on the second try.. I know that the object of the game is to win, but not like that. I think this rule will be short lived as there is already talks in place to change it starting next year. And good riddance, although this wont be the last time we see this this year.




Combo Platter: Sunglasses indoors/ Popped Collars



You know who you are. If you wear sunglasses when its 40 degrees, cloudy, and raining. If you popped your polo shirt collar in any weather. You are what we in the "biz" like to refer to as a DBAG. You aren't Tom Cruise or Puffy. Even though you do some drugs, you aren't Lindsey Lohan. You're Joe Smo. You don't look good. You look like a moron. Its not a fashion statement when people know you are doing for that reason. There is a kid in one of my classes that commits both these fashion faux pas at once.. It takes every ounce of me, not to beat him. Enough said.

Runner up: Men wearing Pink, Dog Purses, Trucker Hats


Kevin Garnett in a Celtics' Uniform.



Not Cool. Big time Suck. Tear.


Skip Bayless, ESPN's "1st and 10" show

It happened a couple years back, with the emergence of shows like "PTI" and "Around the Horn," long time sports writers being thrust into the limelight of television. These writers, working mostly behind the scenes for their entire careers, are now household names. Most of them are knowledgeable and some are even humorous at times. But one thing they all have in common is that they are all old. No where on any of these shows do you see a young, upbeat sports writer come on to discuss sports, with the exception of maybe Michael Smith. For the most part its crotchety old men. None of which is more so then Skip Bayless. I get annoyed hearing this guy talk, let alone actually listening to what he has to say. Sometimes I think he just says things for the shock value of it all, and not because he has a real opinion on something. He is the epitome of what is wrong with these shows. That someone like this clown is famous. And he is suddenly everywhere. He is a regular on the aforementioned "1st and 10" as well as being a guest on recent Sportcenters and on talk radio stations. For the love of god, get this grumpy, old, stuck in the 70's man off the screen, and back where he belongs. Writing in boring newspapers. And dump that show, nobody watches it and its horrible.

Is this a Great Game or What?

After months and months of waiting, we have finally come back to the start of the best time of the year for sports fans. Its a period of time every year starting from the start of Football season to the end of football season, culminating with the Super Bowl in early February. During this wonderful time, we see the start of football season, both college and pro, the start of basketball season, both college and pro, and the end of a 7 month long baseball season. Baseball's postseason is by far the best of all the four major sports. Every pitch means so much, coaching really shows up, and runs are at a premium. Not to mention that stadiums get uber crazy. Usually there are a few meaningful games come the last weekend of the regular season, but for the most part, the playoff spots are already filled or just a mere formality. Again, I emphasize, usually.

This year.... not so much. Coming into the last weekend, there were about 9 teams still alive for playoff spots, mostly all of them residing in the National League. I've never really been a baseball buff in the past, mainly because I would get bored during the doldrums of summer, when it seems that the season will never end. Again, this year was different. I've become more of a fan now than ever before. I never thought in a million years, I would be glued to the TV, watching a Padres/Brewers game on ESPN, hanging on every at bat. The end of this season has been the by far the craziest I've ever seen. Let me take a moment and try to break it down the best I can from my perspective. This season has seen everything. From a complete and utterly unfathomable collapse, to some teams left for dead showing everyone that they are very much alive.

In an earlier post, I said "That thud you hear is Rick Ankiel." I must apologize. I was very wrong on that one. That thud you hear is the New York Mets. If you realize what has happened to this team in the last month, you have to stand in amazement. Leading the NL East by a seemingly insurmountable 7 games in mid September, the Mets slowly dribbled it down their leg. With every loss to teams that had nothing to play for, the Mets showed us new ways to lose baseball games. They built 5+ run leads, only to have a Guillermo Mota led bullpen blow up in front of their eyes. They lost to teams that were eliminated from playoff contention in spring training. They had people who were brought in to prevent these kind of things from happening, namely Billy Wagner, blow lead after lead in uncharacteristic fashion after being solid all year. As much as I like this team and the players on it, I couldn't help but smile at the magnitude of that collapse. With the loss on the last day of season to the Florida Marlins, in which stallwart Tom Glavine gave up 7 earned runs in 1/3 of an inning, the boys from Flushing completed their fall and lost the division to their rivals, the Philadelphia Phillies. Twins fans know this situation all too well. This sounds like the Detroit Tigers team losing a 13 game lead last year to the benefit of our favorite club. The only difference was, those Tigers still made the playoffs, these Mets will not.


The Phillies, along with the Colorado Rockies, were the aforementioned teams left for dead earlier this season. These two clubs, although alot alike, went about their comebacks in different ways. The Phils kept coming all year. They weathered many key injuries and somehow kept their head above water, until their steady pace caught up with the tanking Mets. They are one of the most exciting teams to watch in the league. From the top of the order to the bottom, these Phils have people that will make you sit on the edge of your seat every time they step to the plate. Whether its Jimmy Rollins leading off with his unique combination of speed and power, or Ryan Howard abusing baseballs into the upper deck on a regular basis, these Phils always keep things interesting. Not to mention that Chase Utley may be one of the purest hitters that there is in the league. This team has style, and swagger, and damn, are they easy to like...

The Rockies however, chose a different route to a possible postseason appearance. They just chose to win almost every game since mid September. The Rockies took 13 of their last 14 games including a franchise-record 11 straight, finishing like gang busters to force a one-game playoff for the NL wild card with the (yawn) San Diego Padres. These aren't your cool older brother's Colorado Rockies either. These Rockies do it with both hitting AND pitching. With players that most people have never heard of, they have surprised everyone by winning in the rarefied air of Colorado. Although, you may have no clue who these players are yet, it won't be long until you do. Led not the Killer "B"s, of Houston Astros fame, but the Killer "H"s of Todd Helton, Brad Hawpe, and the possible MVP of the league Matt Holliday, these Rockies can really do damage to any pitching staff. They all can hit for average. They all can hit for power. Its really, really scary actually.

The best thing about these teams, and the reason that you can feel really good rooting for them, is that they were both built through the Minor Leagues, not some flash in the pan, big free agent signing. No one would come to Colorado to pitch, causing them to vastly overpay for very sub par pitchers like Denny Naegle and Mike Hampton. When that didn't work, they just developed their own pitchers. No one wanted to pitch in Philly either, so they developed one of the best young left handers in the league in Cole Hamels. Even their Murderer's Row lineups were built through the Minor Leagues, proving to Twins fans that maybe there is hope after all.

The greatest thing of all though, is that if the Rockies win their one game playoff on Monday, these two teams will play each other in a first round best-of-five series. I'm already smiling about that prospect.

Baseball's postseason this year has so many stories to watch. So many players to watch. With every new series, there will be more intriguing things to watch then the series before it. You need to tune in. Trust me, you won't regret it.

I'd like you to meet my new love. Major League Baseball.